The world’s first and best loser’s résumé writing manual

HandCopyright © 1996-1997 Vitaly BlokhinMail This page is a part of Vital Network

V.B., New York, Fall of 1997

The world’s first and best loser’s résumé writing manual

Most of people think that only winners need good résumés. Nonsense ! Losers need them much more. Intrigued ? OK, this is obvious. First of all, it’s much easier for a winner to find a job and there are plenty of winner’s jobs available around (see Help Wanted). Second, it’s a lot easier to prove you’re a winner, especially if you really are. On the other hand, how many positions require losers ? How do you prove you are a real loser, not a fake one ?
Here you can find answers to those questions. The material is presented as a loser’s résumé template with more detailed explanation on each item.

Name, address, telephone number, credit cards bills with late payment charges on them, etc.
Everything should be misspelled as much as possible but still recognizable. Remember, your goal is not to wait for a response that you are not going to receive ever but to be properly declined a job.

You specify precisely for what kind of positions you would like to be rejected.

Here you should tell what you did (or rather did not) in between of jobs (if any). We suggest that those periods take no less than 90-100% of your entire career.

You should tell how bad and poor your education (or its absence) was and explain in a few details (preferably, using numbers and figures) why it could not be any worse.

Unemployment experience
You use a chance to highlight your amazing skills and versatility at being unemployed, getting all the unemployment benefits and so on. All the places where you applied for unemployment and received your benefits should be listed in achronological (random) order. Don’t give out any numbers concerning the benefits received, leave something to discuss and negotiate with a potential interviewer (just in case).

Awferences (a.k.a. Gooferences)
Note that it is indeed not enough to simply say "No references available". On the contrary, you must provide a list of the most awful references possible and mention real people who are guaranteed to say the worst things about you as a person as well as a specialist. It would be useful to check with them and confirm in advance that they will mention facts illustrating what a goof you were when you didn’t work together. To prevent any doubts about the list, it should contain at least three such people (preferably, apparent losers too).

Unfortunately, I could not find any literature on the subject, in fact, I haven’t even tried -- too lazy for that -- but I can recommend a pretty eccentric French movie La Chèvre(1980) with Gérard Depardieu and Pierre Richard -- I really enjoyed it.

To be continued . . .
Loser’s job search, interviewing and much more. All this will be written as soon as there’s enough demand. For now, learn some dos (they call it don'ts) about job interviews. If you confused dos with MS-DOS and are planning to start studying this great operating system right away, don't try to pick up version 6.x, master 3.x or, even better, 2.x and this valuable knowledge will allow you to downgrade (or degrade) to 1.x finding of which may become one of the greatest challenges of your life.

Send your comments, suggestions and résumés to: me@failure.con
1. Do not bother to include any criticism or anything negative because we are going to skip this kind of stuff anyway. Just go to step 2.
2. Cash, checks, money orders, Visa, MasterCard, American Express, Discover and all major insurances are gladly accepted. No questions asked unless your cards are valid or checks don't bounce.

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